Me Blackberry Fool You Apple Tart Read online

  ME BLACKBERRY FOOL, YOU APPLE TART

  AMELIA SLOCOMBE

  CHILLI DOG PUBLISHING

  Front cover by Miss Swanne

  Copyright 2015 Chillidog Publishing

  FROM THE AUTHOR

  This is fundamentally a book about a lawyer. And it’s dedicated to all the lawyers out there who wake up in the morning and want nothing more than to stay in bed and not go to work. Because being a lawyer in a top London law firm is actually one of the most depressing jobs known to man.

  So why hasn’t a lawyer spilt the beans on the legal profession before? Because they’ve never had the fucking time. You try working a 15-hour day, seven days a week and then see if you’ve got time to write a book about how shitty your life is.

  But I did find the time. Not because I’m a saint, but because I went on secondment. And it gave me a glimpse of a better life. Oh, and there were also some other things that happened to me that inspired me to write a book. After all, no one would want to read a book purely about being a lawyer. Not a real-life lawyer anyway.

  Readers may also wonder about the relevance of a book that begins on 9 December 2012. The date itself is of no importance whatsoever – that just happens to be the date that the underlying story begins. And every story has to start somewhere.

  This book is not entirely a true story, but (like they say in the movies) it’s based on real people and real events. I’ll say no more – I’m a lawyer after all, and I wouldn’t want anyone to sue me.

  DEDICATION

  Dedicated to the ones I love,

  about whom certain characters may

  (loosely) be based. I love you all.

  And in memory of my mum,

  who always told me I could do

  anything I wanted to.

  9 December 2012

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Revelation

  9 December 2012, 18:45

  I am currently sat on my bed, writing this email, dressed in what can only be described as an adult baby-grow.

  It is by far the best invention in the history of nightwear and M&S should be knighted for it. I really should write to commend the gifted individual who had the foresight to realise that there was an obvious niche in the market for people who hate sexy underwear, but who want a practical alternative to Winnie the Pooh pyjamas.

  The only problem is, it does have the rather fundamental flaw of stopping you from ever going to the loo without stripping completely naked. I've nearly been caught short on a couple of occasions when bursting for a wee and realising just in time that it takes a good six seconds to get the bloody thing off. Fortunately I haven't wet myself yet. Although I imagine there might be some older people out there who, in the same situation, might not be quite so fortunate. That reminds me, I must do my pelvic floor exercises before I go to bed tonight…

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Re: Revelation

  9 December 2012, 18:54

  Evening!

  God, you are fucking weird sometimes!

  If I'm going to be brutally honest, I can't see this fat suit thing catching on. You should probably have bought in bulk. AND this isn't the first time you've told me something is utterly amazing, only to find it's failed to capture the imagination of any other human being on this planet.

  Prime example?! Those technicolor t-shirts you had to blow hot air on to make them change colour. You CLAIMED they were cool. Fuck knows why. And you kept ignoring the fact that complete strangers would just come up and BREATHE on you. It was only when David Moore took the piss out of your multi-coloured sweat patches that you finally stopped wearing them!

  And whilst we’re on the subject of impulsive and utterly useless purchases, are you still using that pointless “super-cream"? Have you even told Tubby how much it costs for a year's supply?!

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  The Super-cream Debate

  9 December 2012, 19:06

  Clearly the exaltation of my £14.99 M&S baby-grow has made me forget about my usual nightly dilemmas. Thanks for reminding me.

  As a result of that cruel throwaway comment, I am now sat with a shaving mirror next to my face, trying to monitor whether or not my skin has benefited from a 38% reduction in fine lines. I am already pretty certain that I am NOT one of the 87% of women who see a visible difference within the first two weeks of use. Why am I always in the bloody minority?

  Also, can you tell me why magnifying mirrors were ever invented, other than to reduce the world population by encouraging any woman who looks in one to want to kill herself? Surely they serve no useful purpose? As far as I can see, they only serve to magnify the bits of your face that you already know are large and unattractive, acting as a ghastly illustration of all that you hate about your face, but five times the size!

  Anyway, I am still debating whether my “super-cream” is actually working and also mentally calculating whether to save an extra £365 a year by buying a Boots own-brand moisturiser instead. Unfortunately the very word “own-brand” screams of inferiority and I’m not sure I can take the risk that I might wake up one day looking like a postmenopausal walrus. Also, do you remember our conversation last week when we debated whether my right eye was still smaller than my left? I think we finally decided that draining the bag under the smaller eye would rectify the problem? Yet surely this emphasises that I should not give up the super-cream, since it quite clearly claims on the side of the pot to reduce under-eye bags by 15%? Without it, would I look like a frog with a hangover? I can only conclude that I should not swap the super-cream for a less expensive product in case this were to occur – I simply cannot run the risk of further facial lop-sidedness.

  I obviously haven't told Toby the yearly cost of my facial creams. He gets annoyed if I flush the loo after a wee (he says we could save a rainforest a year if we only flushed after a number two). Obviously he asks me how much I pay for my nightly pea-sized dollup of gloop but I've become incredibly good nowadays when I go shopping at: 1) hiding the receipts; and 2) mentally subtracting 35% from the original price when he asks. Anything more than 35% and he gets suspicious. Anything less and he takes my Amex away from me (even though I earn all the money and therefore I still maintain that he has no right to do so).

  By the way, can you remind me to google "coming off pill" and "increased facial hair" tomorrow morning at work? Also, do you think £499 is a bit much for six laser treatments to remove all my armpit hair?

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Your ridiculous spending

  9 December 2012, 19:15

  £499?! I know you lawyers earn an absolute fortune but that is fucking ridiculous!! I felt guilty the other day for buying a pair of reindeer earmuffs.

  Also, why are you coming off the pill?! PLEASE don’t tell me it's because you and Tubs have started "trying"?! I am only just over the fact that my best friend has moved in with her boyfriend. The thought of you having a child would probably finish me off!

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Re: Your ridiculous spending

  9 December 2012, 19:24

  No, we're not "trying" as you so delicately put it. I am off the pill to try and re-regulate my cycle. According to an article I read the other day, it’s a good idea to kick your ovaries back into their natural rhythm every couple of years. If you don't, your brain can turn off your menstrual cycle so that when you do try to have children, you have problems. Think of it like jump-starting an old car battery every winter.

  Coming off the pill has also made Toby happy and should keep him quiet for a few months. He's pretty desperate to have kids before he's 35 (something to do with being young enough to kick a ball around with his son in the park – he seems to think he'll get chronic arthritis in five years’ time). Unfortunately I still haven't told him that I refuse to have children until you can grow them in a vat, independently of one's actual body. By the way, I did google it the other day but no one other than the two of us seems to have thought of the idea yet. It does worry me somewhat that they haven’t even got to protocol stage in the US - this unfortunately suggests we are a long way off. Perhaps it is something we should look into? We could even go on Dragon's Den to raise the finance? What we lack in scientific knowledge we more than make up for in originality and the ability to use effective power point slides. Not that we have any spare cash to invest in the business ourselves – that could prove tricky…

  By the way, you should feel guilty for buying a pair of reindeer earmuffs. What on earth were you thinking?! You’re supposed to be the fashionable one!

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Don't mock the muffs

  9 December 2012, 19:28

  They were for an eighties-themed Christmas party before you get on your high horse. Or maybe I should say, clothes’ horse – boom boom!!

  Sorry for ranting about your spending habits. Maybe I'm just jealous because you're a high-flying legal genius who earns about quadruple my salary. Why the fuck did I go into Marketing?!

  Anyway, I'm very relieved to hear that you are not "with child". I am also gutted that the vat technique has not been developed yet. It was at least 15 years ago that we thought of that. Obviously our minds are a lot more advanced than the average sci
entist. Which makes me wonder how I only got a fucking B in GCSE Biology?!

  Totally up for going on Dragon's Den btw. I think Debra would definitely see the potential of our idea. If the vat thing doesn't work, we could fall back on one of our other inventions. Pretty sure they've all been pretty shit so far though!

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Re: Don't mock the muffs

  9 December 2012, 19:31

  Says the girl with a turbo charged VW Beetle and a thoroughbred horse! No wonder you don't have any spare cash!

  You got a B in GCSE Biology because you didn't do any bloody revision! In fact, you only got the B because I wrote up your practical for you.

  Talking of Biology, how are things going with you and Spencer at the moment? I haven't received an email from you in the last hour informing me that it's all over, so I assume things are going swimmingly.

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Re: Re: Don't mock the muffs

  9 December 2012, 19:35

  Before I even START on Spencer, my "thoroughbred" (AKA inbred and therefore slightly insane) horse is driving me mental! Aristotle may have a family tree to match Desert Orchid, but I'm beginning to realise why I got him so cheaply. I think he has ADHD (or equine equivalent) because that horse is more hyper than a chipmunk on speed. He’s even worse than that girl at our school (Christine? Cassie?) who used to throw chalk erasers across the classroom. Aristotle threw me off TWICE last week! I honestly don’t know what the fuck his problem is. I might have to cut down on his food, which can only be a good thing because at the moment I'm spending most of my salary on something that looks and smells like mould.

  Which reminds me – how do I get rid of damp?! At the moment I'm just wiping it with a cloth. I'm guessing it's just condensation but I don't want to open the window in case I kill Adolphe.

  And as for Spencer…it‘s all going fine. I think. I haven’t heard much from him in the last couple of days but he’s promised to call me tonight. :.)

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Aristotle

  9 December 2012,19:46

  I’ve told you so many times to get rid of that horse but you never listen to me. One of these days you’re seriously going to hurt yourself. You have been warned!

  I have no idea how to get rid of damp - I’ll ask Toby. However, just to let you know, he’ll probably recommend some environmentally-friendly concoction that will involve having to boil vinegar with bicarbonate of soda. It’ll do the trick, but your flat will smell like a fish and chip shop for a month.

  I've got to log off now anyway – it's time for my Sunday night chat with my dad and I won't have the energy if I leave it too late. He phoned Toby whilst I was at work on Friday and spoke to him for two hours about kitchen utensils. I'm surprised Toby made it through the conversation alive.

  Speak tomorrow!

  Isla xxx

  Ps. Remember to phone Vodafone tomorrow! Am getting fed up with emailing you when you’re at home. You know Toby has issues with my laptop usage as it is!

  PPs. Will you please get that fish a water heater? Tropical fish are not supposed to live in sub-arctic temperatures. And I hope you've cleaned that tank now – the last time I came round I couldn't see Adolphe through the gloom.

  10 December 2012

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  The world has ended

  10 December 2012, 9:33

  Morning!!

  I can't believe it's only 9.30am on a Monday morning and there has already been a work catastrophe. I've just received the following from Linda:

  Dear colleague,

  As some of you are probably aware, I was kind enough to bake and bring in some chocolate shortbread to celebrate my 55th birthday last week. However, it appears that someone has taken it upon themselves to steal the Labrador puppy biscuit tin in which the shortbread was contained.

  This tin has a great deal of sentimental value, having been bought by my husband as a gift on our honeymoon in 1977.

  I am hoping that the removal of the tin was a genuine mistake, as opposed to a deliberate theft. I am therefore offering a 24-hour amnesty, to enable the culprit to return the tin to its original place by the decaf tea bags.

  Provided the tin is returned by 9am tomorrow, I will say no more about it.

  Kind regards.

  Linda

  I've already told Linda I saw Ben hanging around the kitchen looking suspicious last Friday. It's a bit harsh, I know. Ben is about as likely to steal a biscuit tin as he is to have a sex change. But he did eat my last packet of wasabi peas last week and therefore deserves everything he gets! :.)

  Also, what sort of person buys their spouse a biscuit tin on their honeymoon???

  Speak soon no doubt!

  Rach x

  Ps. My phone is now sorted. I changed provider after I found out my previous one had zero coverage in my block of flats. So you can now call me on my mobile whilst at home. Next job on my list: getting a landline!

  PPs. I am ignoring your comments from last night about Adolphe. I swear I'll buy him a tropical fish tank when I can afford it. Unfortunately until then he will have to make do with living next to a radiator and having his fish bowl balanced on top of my hot water bottle.

  PPPs. Spencer is currently AWOL. Last communication received at 0200 hours on the N19 night bus. I'm guessing he made it home, but despite me calling him 23 times this morning, I don't know this for sure. Should I be worried?!

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Re: The world has ended

  10 December 2012, 9:46

  Rach,

  I love the biscuit tin message – you do realise you are working in 1984? I know you hate the place but I utterly envy you. I got into the office at 7:24 this morning. I already had two messages from that moron on the other side wanting to know whether we could complete our deal today, despite the fact he already knows that this is impossible because HIS client is out of the country until tomorrow. I was tempted to send him the following email: